she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
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I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
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Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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