Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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