The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
