dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
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I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
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And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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