im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
