I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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