He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
