I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
