How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
