i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
