Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
