come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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