I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
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I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
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so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends