i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
where are you?
Hypothermia
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
