Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
