but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
