whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
