Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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