the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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