I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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