This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
