Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
