I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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