I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
