i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
