yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
