I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
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The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
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He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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