if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just gift wrapped bread.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
