i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
