I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
