Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
