people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
