i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
