I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
