the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
