you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
