if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
