Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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