This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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