Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This house was built for laser tag.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
