i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Randomize
