I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
