Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
