Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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