So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
