I skipped work to stalk him.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
