i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
