My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
