I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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