Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
