toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
