Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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