Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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