ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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