Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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